Pistorius gag compilation

...with thanks to Aaron Murray and Aravind Velagapudi:

Oscar Pistorius Olympic Guilt?

We are now well into the first leg of legal arguments where Oscar Pistorius, once hailed as “the King of Spring”, is now, by many, being considered more “Prince of Darkness”. He stands trial for the callus murder of Reeva Steenkamp.

His defense team are claiming mistaken identity and self-defense; the prosecution say this is a step too far!

The prosecution team are adamant that they have found his Achilles heel: the alleged stance he takes on his movements on that night. They are not tip-toeing around his obvious disability, they claim he strapped on in his prosthetic legs "flex-foot cheetah" before shooting his load through the door of the bathroom, killing his girlfriend. He is rumoured to have used a sawn-off weapon.

From the dock he appeared soulless with lack of remorse. Neighbors have testified that they heard arguments on that fateful night. Reeva told him he was “Half a man” and she was the “one doing all the leg-work in the relationship”. He was said to be too needy and at times everyone was walking on eggshells as he pumped his body full of steroids and testosterone, sprinting ever-closer to chaos.

The forensics team were stumped as no foot-prints were present at the scene, only his strap-ons.

He awoke to the assumption that something sinister was afoot. Attempting to have the perpetrator toe the line, he decided to nail them with lethal force. The sound of 4 starting pistols echoed through the luxurious home as he came within 2 feet of the bathroom door, shooting his load without warning through the door, killing his girlfriend, whom with he was earlier watching "Footloose", instantly.

His defense team are calling in character witnesses, claiming here is a man of good standing, never before putting a foot wrong, always treading carefully and ever-leaping to the aid of others. One of the main witnesses is a lady known as Ula, a childhood friend. The Prosecution have referred to her (off camera) as “fib Ula” and are set on discrediting her in Court. Another, known to the Court as “Tibi”, a street performer and an acrobatic juggling stilt walking clown is striving for freedom on behalf of his Olympic Gold Friend. Many see it as a steep climb, to many hurdles in the path to victory and vindication.

More information has come to light about the relationship he had with Ms Steenkamp. There had been no sexual intimacy for some time. Some said that Oscar never got his leg over at all, whilst others claim he came up short in the bedroom and if he didn’t pull his socks up, Reeva would surely walk away altogether.

Bail has been denied until verdict, and although the judge made no mention of Oscar being a flight risk, it is clear a man of his resources could do a runner. Otherwise he may have been released on his own reclognisance.

His defense are well funded and almost 2 million has been stumped up for what will be a marathon case. Meanwhile, Oscar has found religion in the form of Shinto and asks that any man or woman walk a mile in his shoes before casting judgment. He says he is contrite, and before stumbling upon Shinto, he was a practicing Catholic and made the trek often to confession. The prosecution are looking for their 2Lbs of flesh and will cost the state an arm and a leg as the best and brightest in African Law are set on crippling Pistorius once and for all.

Nothing will heal the wounds left by this tragic loss of life. The prosecution are intent on cutting the legs from under him with surgical precision when he takes the stand for closing arguments. This is one ordeal that he will not walk away from and some say this will be his last stand. Supporters, however, are expecting him to cross the finish line unscathed and are already arranging a knees-up. But bookmakers handicap his odds of getting off as quite low.

Noah Legi, Reporting for Sprint magazine.